Losing Your Temper with your Kids

Your heart is racing, your blood is boiling, you are biting your tongue, and you are taking deep breaths to remain calm. It feels as if your patience has been tested and ruffled multiple times throughout the day, and the weight of it is coming down, brick by brick. Finally, something in the series of events sets you off, and all of those mental techniques to cool you down are all thrown out the door. Losing your temper with your kids can feel like an erupting volcano. It can make you go from feeling like a chipper Mary Poppins to an enraged Incredible Hulk. The screaming and blaming come out quickly like vomit. There is both a sense of relief in the release of the tension and at the same time an immense amount of regret at the manner of communication. Obviously, this is not the best side of me. Nor do I want my kids to learn to communicate this way. I end up telling myself after each explosion, that the next time I will do a better job. I will count to ten, and take deep breaths, and talk about my feelings, instead of yell. But you know what, it’s easy to say it after the fact, and during the moment of calm.

This is not to say to shrug it off, say, “Oh well, we’re only human” and call it a day. We should approach it with the attitude, “We are human, we do make mistakes, but we learn from them.” So since my “mental notes” of reminding myself not to yell in the future are apparently ineffective, I need to learn from this and try a different approach. So let’s assess the situation.

• What triggered the build-up of frustration?
• Once the triggers are pin-pointed, how can they be prevented or minimized?
• What are other solutions to handling temper?

What triggered the build-up of frustration?

What frustrates you? What are the annoyances that you deal with? Is it a messy house? Is there continuous bickering or whining? Do you feel like you’re not being listened to? Are you feeling the pressures of a long to-do list with several commitments you are a part of? It might be good to jot down a list of the primary triggers. Then focus on one at a time, and maybe look at them in the order of what bothers you the most.

Once the triggers are pin-pointed, how can they be prevented or minimized?

Instead of being reactive to situations, try taking a proactive approach.

Being reactive is reacting to the event after it has happened, and emotionally acting out in response to feeling upset to what occurred. An example scenario of being reactive can look like this:

Mom: Time to clean up the room.

Child: Ok, mom. (continues to play)

Mom: (a few minutes later) Please clean up your room

Child: Alright. (Puts one toy away, and continues to play)

Mom: I said, you need to clean up your room.

Child: I am!

Mom: How many times did I tell you to clean up you room??

This was not an effective situation as the room did not get cleaned up, the mother felt frustrated and resulted in reminding and nagging.

Prevention through teaching

The triggers in this scenario are a messy room, and ineffective communication between child and parent. So, now that the triggers are identified, we figure out, how can they be prevented, or at least minimized? I learned from Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions that the word, “discipline” comes from the Latin word, “disciplina” meaning, “teaching” and “learning.” Therefore, it is important that we teach the expected behaviors first before any disciplinary action is taken. So taking a more proactive approach, by setting up positive systems beforehand can help lessen the impact of the triggers when they occur. We cannot assume that others know our thoughts and expectations because they are not mind-readers. So in the above scenario, there may not have been set, clear expectations and/or procedures for cleaning a room. The parent was not specific in the amount of time, or in the process either. During a time when there are no feelings of anger or frustration, McCready suggests to “take the time to teach.” She offers free webinars and a course on how to get kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling. I learned so many strategies from her and am feeling the need to review her material again as our family grows and goes through different stages.

A way to prevent or minimize the triggers to anger is to set up systems of procedures, routines, and expectations from the start. Doing so should minimize the frequency and intensity of the temper blow-ups. For the scenario above, it was clear that no procedure was set in place, or that the parent did not follow through. Instead, implementing clean-up strategies as a family would have been more effective for all members of the family. That way, everyone is aware of what needs to be done. Consequences for not doing so also should be communicated clearly from the get-go.

What are other solutions to handling temper?

Even with teaching family members the routines, and going through expectations, there will inevitably be occurrences that will still lead to anger, frustration, and impatience. There is no magical cure for our feelings, and we cannot feel 100% happy all of the time, unfortunately.

Take deep breaths and count: 

My kids were watching a Wonder Pets episode when the three main characters (a duckling, guinea pig, and turtle) were trying to calm down a dinosaur who was having a temper tantrum. They sing a little jingle to remember what to do: “Take a deep breath and count to 3.”

If I have not gotten to the point of explosion, and I remember to do so, I will count to 10 in my head, and inhale, ad exhale deeply. This helps sometimes and allows me to remind myself to stay calm.

Walk away. Take a time-out: 

In this sense, time-out is a good thing. Sometimes distancing yourself from the situation can allow you to collect your thoughts, cool down, and reflect. In the heat of the moment, words can be said that may not have been intended due to the intensity of feelings. So, excuse yourself and let the others know, “I am feeling very upset right now, and need to cool down. Let’s talk later.”

Release the tension:

 Find something that calms you down. Do you like to read, write, or draw? Jotting down your thoughts or drawing your feelings can help release the tension. Anger can get away from us, so the written word allows us to think things through better. Squeezing a stress ball, punching or hugging a pillow, or stuffed animal can also alleviate that built-up tension.

Squeezing a stress ball, punching or hugging a pillow, or stuffed animal can also alleviate that built-up tension.

There are moments when the intensity builds up so much, that I just feel like screaming. And I do. If I have a pillow on hand, I will scream into the pillow, so not to startle the kids or neighbors. One day after attempting to scream, I transformed it into an operatic “la la la laaaaaaa so maaaaadd!” I was able to release that built up anger, and then it soon lightened the mood, because the kids were staring at me strangely. We got a good chuckle out of it later once we talked about what happened.

Change the scenery: 

If it is an option at the time, go for a walk. Go outside, and do something else. One time, the levels of emotion, sensitivity, and irritation were lingering in the air. We decided to go to a city event and cool off, get our minds on something more positive. At first, it did feel awkward, and there was some tension. But being outside of the home, away from where upset feelings were brewing, allowed us to break the ice, and talk about what was going on when we felt ready.

Did you have enough quality time? 

People can feel stressed when they have so much on their plates. It is natural to feel overwhelmed when you are juggling too much in your day. It is easy to snap at any moment when there are several stressors. Having positive time for yourself and with your family is essential to set aside time for in your day. When I feel like the majority of the day has been work, chores, and addressing the kids’ problems, it can make me feel bogged down, and definitely lose my temper at the end of the day. So I have to ask myself, did I get a chance to have quality time and enjoyable moments today with my family? I notice when we have more positive interactions, the negative ones decrease. In addition, when I make “me-time” a priority some time during the day, I also become a happier mom, wife, and person. Here are additional tips for finding balance when you feel like you are juggling too much in your day.

Rewind, Apologize, & Replay: 

There are times when words come out that I regret the moment they leave my lips. Either at that time or later after calming down, I will say, “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. Let’s rewind, and try that again.” Then, I will take that opportunity to explain how I am feeling, and will talk in a more respectful way. Whenever we make mistakes, it is valuable to show others that we own and acknowledge our errors and that we are willing to try another approach. These are the times when I feel like I have a better handle on my emotions, so am able to do so. Ideally, I would like it to be that way all of the time, and I am making it a goal to work on expressing my feelings, and teaching my family how to do so as well.

Final Thoughts

There are several methods to deal with losing one’s temper. Each person is different depending on personality, and the gravity of situations. I always thought of myself as a fairly patient person,  As time went on, I found that my patience seemed to wear thinner, and especially more so with my own children. Parenting is not easy. No matter what, it comes down to,

• Are we willing to work hard at it?
• And how are we going to continue to focus on expressing our love to one another, even when times get tough and we lose our temper?

What are some strategies to handle your temper or ways to handle temper tantrums within the family?